There’s an “anonymous” group for just about everything. Well, we’ve all been in quarantine of one sort or another for over three months. I figure now’s the time for all of us to fess up and join. I knew I needed to sign up for Covid Anonymous when:

  1. I started talking to the squirrels in my backyard. Hey, they answered.
  2. I named the bullfrogs in my pond. Then they took a hike and left when I had the pond cleaned out. Guess they didn’t like their names. Picky frogs. What’s not to like about the names of Horace and Beatrice anyway?
  3. I had to schedule socially distant visits based on the weather report and thought a little lightning was nothing to be concerned about unless you had trees, right? Oh yeah, I live in a place called “The Pines.” Scratch that.
  4. I started to consider buying new furniture online, without testing its comfort level. Figured I’d gained enough weight to have the extra cushion in case it wasn’t soft enough. Then they started taking appointments at furniture stores. I was in and as a result, I’m not looking forward to my Visa bill.
  5. I’d come to think it was “normal” to stay home every day and freak out a little at the thought of going anywhere.
  6. My kitten, J Lo, turned out to be a boy. Leave it to me to have a gender confused cat. Maybe change his name to Mr. J Lo? Nah, the nickname “Boo” I had given her/him can stick now. Considering he/she’s been to the vet three times already, maybe I need to consider another vet if they think that J Lo is a boy’s name…
  7. I began to consider taking up golf. Glad I came to my senses. Anyone that knows me, knows I’ll be at the beach in the summertime. Too hot on a golf course when there’s salt water to jump in.
  8. I couldn’t wait to go bowling when they reopened. Uh oh, don’t you have to rent shoes? Are they sanitized? I guessed I’d have to buy some instead and then I’d need a bowling ball and a shiny jacket to wear. Never mind.
  9. I asked the yoga instructor on a You Tube video to move further away. She was closer than six feet. She looked at me funny, but did it anyway.
  10. I found myself climbing the ladder into my loft to pull down the box of dried starfish I collected on the beach 29 years ago. My kids will try to make you believe I had them drying on towels all over the house. Talk about stink. Anyway, it’s time to start making crafty stuff for birthdays and Christmas. Where’s my glue gun anyway?
  11. I changed Alexa’s accent to British. Thought it sounded classy, but then I couldn’t understand what she was saying. So much for me having any “class.”
  12. It was a thrill to be around to direct the mulch truck driver. For the first time in a long time, I was in charge, waving him on as he backed into the driveway. It reminded me of directing my husband on how to back the RV in when we’d return from a trip. That’s another blog…I wasn’t “in charge” then either.
  13. On line dating was starting to have its appeal. How does one date during covid anyway? For that matter, how does one date at the age of 65? Ask me later.
  14. I got excited at the thought of tattoo parlors reopening. I was thinking of getting a tattoo. A real one. One that you can see. One that says…never mind, my dislike for tattoos is legendary. I’m not that far gone, but if covid goes on much longer, maybe a dolphin?
  15. As a retired employee of a huge chemical company (manufacturer of hand sanitizers, etc.), I placed an employee order for chemicals. I fussed when I remembered all the samples of hand sanitizer I used to have in my shed and turned in when I retired. Who knew I would need those? Sorry to report that even employees can’t get orders of covid products, only customers.  Hey, we’re in the 65 and Older Club, if anyone should be able to buy it, we should! Time for an email to the CEO. Hey, I haven’t even been able to score a can of Lysol in the store yet.
  16. I started looking forward to the curbside vet appointments for my dog and cat. Despite keeping the vet in business these past few months, I began to recognize the masks of the employees that came out to retrieve my pet. One thing I like about this new normal is that I don’t have to go in and watch Noel or Boo look at me with those beautiful eyes and ask why I was allowing this stranger to torture them. They just tell me all about it when they get back in the car.
  17. All of a sudden, weeding my overgrown garden was entertainment. By the way, which ones are the weeds?
  18. The Talk (a woman’s daytime talk show) hosts became my new best friends. I found myself playing the TiVo recordings just to hear their voices in the next room. They didn’t seem to mind. Carrie Ann even offered me a cup of tea. We’re tight like that.
  19. I think I’ve become a bona fide germaphobe. Washing my hands every two minutes for 60 minutes at a time. Whoops, maybe I have that backwards? No wonder my hands are so dry and I have no time for much else.
  20. I was looking forward to cleaning and sanitizing every touchable surface in my house. Never mind. That never happened and if it does, I need to go straight from Covid Anonymous to a padded room. Please make sure it’s clean and sanitized.

So, my name is Diana and I’m a recovering covid addict. When this is over, I’m hugging anyone that doesn’t run away, gonna eat at my favorite restaurant, hang on the beach without fear of a covid spittle landing on me, and will go to the grocery store to find something besides toilet paper and sanitizer. Then, I’ll book that trip to Jamaica. Never mind, I’ll book the trip FIRST and then let the hugging extravaganza begin!